Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 2)

This is a continuation of the Hollywood Romances post.... if you have not read the first post, go back and read this! That will make this more clear!

So continuing from the previous post....

One of the first things I found to be totally backwards in the majority of today's dating relationships is our first and extreme focus on the physical (and I am not just talking sex). We focus first on the physical so much so, we give ourselves physically to others before there is any commitment and any knowledge of each other emotionally, psychologically, and most importantly, spiritually. In one book, the author calls this type of "lets has a physical relationship before I really know you on the inside" (one where we have more intimate moments in a relationship where both parties are not committed to one side) as being emotionally promiscuous.(Illian, 59) We start with the physical and move towards the deeper knowledge of each other after the fact. It seems we care more about what people look like on the outside than who they are on the inside. And more important than who they are on the side, we seem to have all forgotten to get to know who they are spiritually and their personal relationship with Christ. My personal faith in Jesus Christ is the core of who I am. It is the single most important aspect of my life. However, in my last relationship, I never got to know the guy I was dating spiritually... ever. And he never got to know me spiritually. I let him saying on one of our first dates (in the Rockaways parking lot none the less for those of you in Columbia) something along the lines of "yeah, I raised Baptists and I was baptized in elementary school." I let that one statement be all it took for me to say in my head "yeah he is a Christian so I can date him." Rarely did I see the outward expression of that faith. For the most part, I did not see that faith in the way he talked to me or treated me, and we never once prayed together (not even blessing a meal). Instead, I took the road by saying to myself "he says he is a Christian so that's enough for me." I found out the hard way... that's not remotely enough. No offense (and this is not aimed at one person in particular but just a general comment from something I read recently), but saying you are a Christian makes you a Christian about as much as standing in a garage makes you a car. There is a huge difference between just accepting Christ so He will save you from hell and someone who accepts Christ and is radically changed because of his or her personal and intimate relationship with our Creator. That radical change is seen in actions, thoughts, the things we say, and the way we treat people. That is the critical difference between what I had and what I want. In addition to just the basic (yet incredibly important) aspect of having a spiritual relationship with someone you are dating, a further issue can arise and be seen down the road in later stages of the relationship. Men are called biblically to be the spiritual leaders of their homes and family. If he is not being the spiritual leader in dating, he is not capable of doing it in marriage. As my pastor at church said "Single ladies... if the dude isn't running after Jesus now then he's NOT going to be able to lead your family! (AND... if you are making excuses for him you probably know what you need to do." (He said something similar to this in his actualsermon on Sunday, but he also mentioned it on his blog here.) I can say without a doubt, I knew what I needed to do and felt convicted and God telling me to break off the relationship long before I ever did. Its not easy, but we often have to do things that are not easy in particular when it comes to dating and relationships. (and let me add... if you know you need to end a relationship with someone, do it as soon as possible. Waiting only makes it harder- and I can say that from personal experience!)

Another aspect of relationships that was pointed out in both books I read and that I found was true in my own personal experience was that I was trying to fill a void in my heart that the guy I was dating was never, ever meant to fill. There are certain voids that only God can fill. Blaise Pascal, a French mathematician, physicist, writer, and Catholic philosopher, said it best when he said "There is a God-shaped void in the heart of man which can not be filled by anything except God." Its true. If you are not totally sold out to God and HIS will for your life (including being single or not) and you are not totally content in who you are in HIM, no relationship will ever work or completely satisfy you. Before you or I begin any relationship, we need to be sure we are not trying to find a relationship to fill some void that person was never meant to fill. Get right with God and all of the other things will fall into place. There are seasons where we are meant to be single, even when its the last thing we want. We have to know that God has us in that season for a reason and it will be something exceedingly beautiful in HIS time. (Ecc 3:1-8, 11). Sometimes, even when it is hard, we have be still and know that HE is God and wait for his perfect timing and let HIM fill a void only He can fill. (Psalm 46:10)

One thing that I realized after the fact (funny how hindsight is always 20/20) about my last relationship was that there was an issue of being vulnerable when it came to our hearts. I am one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don't think that is the case for most men. I do think there is a difference between recklessly throwing your heart around and carefully putting it out there. In the book Undressed, the author says we have "no resource more precious than our hearts, which is the Holy of Holies, the place where God himself resides." But, as the author goes on to say, love is all about being vulnerable. (from a quote by C.S. Lewis) Unfortunately, being vulnerable and potentially getting a broken heart (even though it will just be temporary) is incredibly important part of any relationship. I love how the author says "If you date, you may get your heart broken. But if you don't, you may find yourself in a far more tragic position- you heart may become unbreakable." (Illian, 29) You have to guard your heart and protect it from unnecessary vulnerability, while carefully putting it out there after a true relationship has been formed. He says "We must learn to be thoughtfully vulnerable, not recklessly available in our dating relationships" (Illian 29)

Another hindsight 20/20 thing I discovered was how I was looking for certain characteristics in a partner... but now I see how they were not really biblically based and not really the Godly characteristics I want. I was looking for a good guy who was a Christian but the specific character traits I was looking for were not really important. I love how the Bible tells us quickly in Galatians the kind of characteristics that any potential guy (or girl) we date should exemplify. Straight forward- The Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.) Its important that anyone you date, and especially someone you would consider marrying, have these characteristics. And... not just one of them, but all of them. I love how in a humorous way Jason Illian discusses this- he says "If the person you are dating doesn't exhibit ALL of them, not just one or two-- I mean, who wants a man who is good but has no self control?! --eject immediately!" (Illian, 36) He is so right! But what is more interesting to me is how this amazing author goes on to discuss how the word character goes back to the Greek word meaning"to engrave or carve, as if in stone." Amazing... these character traits should be etched on our hearts.(Illian, 36) I know there are all times were we are not feeling so kind, and we are not feeling so patient... We all are imperfect. BUT these traits should be something we see on a very regular basis in the person we are dating. (and don't forget that not only you are looking for those characteristics, but so are they-- so we each have to exemplify and show these characteristics in our own lives).

More to come later or tomorrow!!

Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 1)

Have you ever had something happen to you or been in a situation where all you can think is "this just cant be right- This just cant be the way its meant to be?" I had one of those experiences back in November/December when it came to the relationship and the guy I was dating. I did not know exactly how to sum up my thoughts but I found a quote recently that pretty much summed up my thoughts and feelings exactly. The author wrote "I think it is fair to say we've been "dissed" when it comes to finding love. There has been disappointment and disillusionment. We feel distance and disbelief. We are discouraged and dissatisfied. Our hearts have been utterly dismantled. We have been fooled into playing a game of musical chairs where the music is Jaws and the chairs are already full." (Illian, 4) For me, It did not take much to decide Hollywood romances don't exist off the big screen and the methods that Hollywood seems to teach our society about how to go about love and dating are useless and backwards. It literally took me one break-up (which I was devastated by at the time but now see SOOO clearly that God has something FAR greater planned) to decide that the "norm" sucks and there must be something better. I knew that God... creator of every living thing on this planet- creative enough to design thousands of species of trees through the amazon forest, to populate the oceans with more critters and fish than any human could comprehend, who placed every single star in the sky by hand, who created every last thing, person, animal and plant in this world and still knows me by name MUST have something unimaginable planned when it comes to dating and relationships. As Illian said in his book "If the Creator of the universe is concerned with every hair on your head- I would argue that He is more than concerned with your personal and romantic relationships." (Illian, 6) I knew that the God who IS love (1 John 4:8) and is the One who created this thing called dating and relationships had to have something to say about the topic. For many, even those of us who have grown up in church, we never really have been taught or educated on the subject. All we know is what we see in movies (and lets face it... Hollywood is not real). To know HIS plan for dating, I just had to take the time to find out what HE has to say. I decided I needed to educate myself and really dig into and figure out exactly what God's plan is. So... after reading several books, talking with friends (both those who have and have not followed God's will in dating and relationships), reading and watching a series blog posts and videos that Priscilla Shirer posted on her blog at Going Beyond Ministries (which not only gave me perspective of what Godly people are thinking, but also the perspective of a large group of women who live both here in the US and around the world) as well as going back and re-watching the series of sermons that my church did as part of a series called "Dont Get Married Until...", I feel like I am fairly educated in what God says about dating and relationships through HIS word. (Though I definitely do not have much "on the job" practice- I am just educated on what HE says through his word.) In addition, yesterday's sermon at church shed a few more details on the topic from the perspective of what Godly men look like (thus what women should look for in men)

So... this series of blog post comes after weeks (and at this point several months) of thought, prayer, reading, and studying. Also- let me preface this by saying I am not talking down about or to ANYONE and none of this is meant to shed a negative light on the guy I was dating. While it is very clear to me (and probably to him too) that our relationship was not meant to be, I certainly learned a lot from it and do not regret the experience. He is not a bad person and I do truly hope he finds happiness and relationship that works for him.

Okay... on with the show (or more appropriately, on with the ramble!!)

As I read one of the books I found on the topic of Godly dating relationships, the author struck a cord with me when he said "We often forget that Christianity isn't just a religion. It isn't just a set of rules or list of dos and don'ts. It is a deep, intimate, personal relationship with our Lord and Savior. Who better to ask about relationships than the One who not only created them but also cultivates and nurtures them to this day?" (Illian, 6) "The God who is love and who created the heavens and the earth has a far greater imagination for what love can be than we do. And it certainly does not involve one-night stands, unreturned phone calls, broken promises, and shattered hearts." (Illian 13) HIS plan and HIS want is for us to "experience a completely fulfilling, blushingly unpredictable, emotionally empowering, and recklessly romantic love that is guided not by laws, but the Lord." (Illian. 13) So in that light, I continued to educate myself over the last few weeks and in that light, I write this series of blog posts.

So let me really start this ramble by saying you can have God and be in a GREAT relationship with Him and still have a great dating/relationship life. In the book Undressed- The Naked Truth about Love, Sex and Dating, the author, Jason Illian, points out a great point early on in the book. He says "Our God isn't an either/or God. He is a God of both/and. He desires for you to have an intimate relationship with Him and a romantic relationship with another. Your heart was not designed to love God one way and your partner another. They are not mutually exclusive, but instead divinely complementary." (Illian, 3) Another author pointed out that we are made to love and be loved- thats just how GOD made each and every one of us.(Ingram, X) With that being said, move forward through this series of blog posts with the idea that love and relationships are meant to be a part of our life when done the way God pans in the same kind of love we have with our Creator.

... more to come later this evening... or tomorrow! (This series of posts were originally one VERY long post. But.. it got TOO long. So now it is a series of blog posts!