Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 3)

Alright... here is the last installment of the Hollywood Romances series of posts! This one might just get me in trouble, but I don't really care!

From my perspective as a woman, men are passive (and apparently a LOT of other women think that too based on the comments over at Going Beyond Ministries blog)(<--- that link goes to the last in the series of discussions of singledom, but that post also has the links to all the other conversations. Men- go look at the comments and you will get some great insight into what single Godly women are thinking....). Seriously, I do NOT say that to be mean! It is just a common feeling amongst many women. I feel like "men have not accepted and shouldered their responsibilities as servant-leaders and tender warriors". As a Godly woman looking for a Godly man, I feel like they must exist... and I know they must be out there. BUT goodness, they are hard to find!!!! In Undressed, the author expresses this issue so well. He says:

"Our domesticated Christian culture has misconstrued the image of a

godly man. Many church in America today preach a very feminine

gospel, characterized by messages of comfort, compassion, and stability.

Jesus certainly exemplified all these characteristics, but first and foremost,

He was a man's man. The earthly son of a carpenter and the heavenly Son

of God, He was a model of power and heroic sacrifice. He took risks. He

enacted change. He challenged authority. He was, without a doubt, a

genuine leader. Men wanted to be like Him, and women wanted to be

with Him." (Illian, 89)

Dont get me wrong. I have met some really nice guys along this road of dating/singledom/etc. BUT... I have yet to meet one I really felt like was a leader when it came to the relationship. I also know that dating and marriage are two very different beasts. BUT... "God specifically designed men to lead and serve their wives. By doing so, [they] use the gifts instilled in [men] and free [the] wives to do the same" (Illian, 91) I say that to say, if guys are not leading and serving their girlfriends in dating, there is NO way they are going to be able to do it in marriage. Dating is a training grounds for marriage (and NOT a training ground for divorce as some think). I love how Illian references back to the creation of man and woman biblically. Think about it... women were the only thing not made from dirt. Women were fashioned by God out of man's rib In the book, Illian uses a quote by Matthew Henry that shows the importance of this. Henry says "Woman was take out of man; not of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved." (Illian, 92) I think it is safe to say, that is what it boils down to- a Godly woman is looking for Godly man who will run after Jesus with her, hand in hand, being protected and lead by her husband (or boyfriend) and loved by him the way Christ loves the church. (Ephesians 5:25) I do know that men have insecurities that can make it difficult and a struggle to really pursue a Godly woman (and I have been told by true Godly men that Godly women are really intimidating)... but don't forget women have their own insecurities too.

Now that I have given a little heat to the men, I only think it is fair to give a little heat to the women. I think all Godly women know about the Proverbs 31 woman. She is the woman we all strive to be. Her character traits are "godly, loving, disciplined, faithful, wise... entrepreneur, importer, athlete, manager, realtor, farmer, homemaker, and exceptional wife" further showing that godly women MUST have "strong character, many skills, and great compassion." (Illian, 109) Its important to remember that a Godly woman's heart is worth the fight from a man's perspective so godly women cant be desperate. "You cant expect a knight to fight for your heart if you are willing to bail out of the tower without battle." (for whatever reason... men want the fight to et your heart. And we just have to "have faith that at just the right time, when both you and he are ready, the Lord will bring a prince." (Illian, 111) Another thing I read, and I am SOOO guilty of this, is being the nice, polite, Christian girl. But as the author who wrote the book (who at the time was a single, Christian guy) said "we don't want somebody who is just warm and nice and polite... we would rather date a woman who attacks life like a cage fight, a free spirit that follows the Lord with reckless abandon." (Illian, 119) If we think about the women of the Bible with the names we recognize... the ones we all have read of or at least heard about-- they were all "scandalous, passionate, faithful, vulnerable, and seductive." (Illian, 120) I mean think about these incredible women! (Mary, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, Esther, Ruth...! Incredible women who followed after the Lord.

Any post on relationships in terms of Godly relationships would not be complete without some discussion of what God says on physical intimacy (not just sex, but all types of physical intimacy) outside the bounds of marriage. Especially since HE was the one who created SEX in the first place! He is not ashamed or afraid to talk about it.... so. Here we go! Anyone one of us can have sex.... but just because we can do it, doesn't mean we should do it. Sex is not just something we do with our bodies to have fun. Sex is a type of intimacy that is deeply tied to our emotional and spiritual involvement with our partner. Sex is one of the deepest levels of intimacy out there and way too often (because of Hollywood's so-called plan) we put it out there when there really is no commitment. But if we are going to follow God's plan, sex is for marriage-- the deepest level of intimacy (sex) MUST go with the deepest level of commitment.(marriage) (Illian, 151) Don't get me wrong... there are a lot of ways to be close physically with someone outside of marriage and still be following God's plan. Illian uses the example of Paul writing to the church in Corinth in his book. He reminds us that in 1 Corinthians 6:12, Paul says "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial." In Godly dating relationships, we have to be able to "differentiate between what is 'permissible' and what is 'beneficial'" (Illian, 156) When we get to where we are doing things that are not permissible or beneficial, we have to remember "God will not bless your relationship. It's not that He doesn't want to. He just won't change his perfect plan for love and marriage to suit [our] lustful desires." (Illian 182) We have to consider what is beneficial and what is permissible and clearly remember that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19) Illians says it far better than I ever could. He says

"Your body is not a carnival ride. People can't just line up, take a ticket, and wait for

their turn on the tilt-a-whirl. Our bodies are vessels that carry our souls, and unless

somebody is willing to dive to the depths of your heart, they shouldn't even be

allowed to ride the teacups. Remember, God is in you. He has etched His dream

on your heart, and you deserve more than thirty minutes of pleasure

with an intimate stranger." (Illian, 161)

So.. what does all this tell us. Well. It tells us Hollywood's plan of "lets talk and hold hands and cuddle on the couch and have sex later then maybe down the road I will really get to know who you are on the inside" doesn't work when it comes to dating and relationships. It tells us that God wants far greater for us in every aspect of our lives, including our dating lives. Think about it... God created us and created this thing called love- he can do more with than we EVER thought possible. (Eph 3:20) This tells us love is NOT about you. "Love involves you, but it isn'tabout you."(Illian, 219) In any relationship, but especially dating relationships and marriage, "Love is defined by wanting God's best for someone else regardless of what that means to you." (Illian, 8) Illian reminds us in his book that "unconditional love is not measured in fairness, but in faithfulness." A dating relationship is about "undressing [our] hearts, not our bodies." (Illian, 222) This all tells us that sometimes God has us in a season of singleness for a reason but He knows the desires of each and every one of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) and in HIS perfect timing will bring something perfect to pass. This tells us that "relationships, like geology, are the study of pressure and time. And if you want your relationship to be as precious, rare, and brilliant as a diamond, you will have times when you think you can't go on, when you want to throw your hands up in despair, when you want to give in and give up. Don't. God's delays are not necessarily God's denials. Hold on, hold fast, hold out. Your pain will produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope never disappoints us. (Romans 5) Only through hope do we learn to pour love out over all aspects of our lives. And when you learn to love, you will be loved." (Illian 224)

The following are the books* I read.

Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian (Warner Faith Publishers, 2006)

Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships: God's Prescription for Enhancing your love life by Chip Ingram (Baker Books, 2003)

* Both were great books, but personally I felt like the Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationship book was more geared towards marriage/married couples. I felt like Undressed was a better book for today's dating world. Thats just personal opinion... But if you are single and are going to read one of these books, I would highly suggest Jason Illian's book. In fact, I think ANY Christian Single should read it!

Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 2)

This is a continuation of the Hollywood Romances post.... if you have not read the first post, go back and read this! That will make this more clear!

So continuing from the previous post....

One of the first things I found to be totally backwards in the majority of today's dating relationships is our first and extreme focus on the physical (and I am not just talking sex). We focus first on the physical so much so, we give ourselves physically to others before there is any commitment and any knowledge of each other emotionally, psychologically, and most importantly, spiritually. In one book, the author calls this type of "lets has a physical relationship before I really know you on the inside" (one where we have more intimate moments in a relationship where both parties are not committed to one side) as being emotionally promiscuous.(Illian, 59) We start with the physical and move towards the deeper knowledge of each other after the fact. It seems we care more about what people look like on the outside than who they are on the inside. And more important than who they are on the side, we seem to have all forgotten to get to know who they are spiritually and their personal relationship with Christ. My personal faith in Jesus Christ is the core of who I am. It is the single most important aspect of my life. However, in my last relationship, I never got to know the guy I was dating spiritually... ever. And he never got to know me spiritually. I let him saying on one of our first dates (in the Rockaways parking lot none the less for those of you in Columbia) something along the lines of "yeah, I raised Baptists and I was baptized in elementary school." I let that one statement be all it took for me to say in my head "yeah he is a Christian so I can date him." Rarely did I see the outward expression of that faith. For the most part, I did not see that faith in the way he talked to me or treated me, and we never once prayed together (not even blessing a meal). Instead, I took the road by saying to myself "he says he is a Christian so that's enough for me." I found out the hard way... that's not remotely enough. No offense (and this is not aimed at one person in particular but just a general comment from something I read recently), but saying you are a Christian makes you a Christian about as much as standing in a garage makes you a car. There is a huge difference between just accepting Christ so He will save you from hell and someone who accepts Christ and is radically changed because of his or her personal and intimate relationship with our Creator. That radical change is seen in actions, thoughts, the things we say, and the way we treat people. That is the critical difference between what I had and what I want. In addition to just the basic (yet incredibly important) aspect of having a spiritual relationship with someone you are dating, a further issue can arise and be seen down the road in later stages of the relationship. Men are called biblically to be the spiritual leaders of their homes and family. If he is not being the spiritual leader in dating, he is not capable of doing it in marriage. As my pastor at church said "Single ladies... if the dude isn't running after Jesus now then he's NOT going to be able to lead your family! (AND... if you are making excuses for him you probably know what you need to do." (He said something similar to this in his actualsermon on Sunday, but he also mentioned it on his blog here.) I can say without a doubt, I knew what I needed to do and felt convicted and God telling me to break off the relationship long before I ever did. Its not easy, but we often have to do things that are not easy in particular when it comes to dating and relationships. (and let me add... if you know you need to end a relationship with someone, do it as soon as possible. Waiting only makes it harder- and I can say that from personal experience!)

Another aspect of relationships that was pointed out in both books I read and that I found was true in my own personal experience was that I was trying to fill a void in my heart that the guy I was dating was never, ever meant to fill. There are certain voids that only God can fill. Blaise Pascal, a French mathematician, physicist, writer, and Catholic philosopher, said it best when he said "There is a God-shaped void in the heart of man which can not be filled by anything except God." Its true. If you are not totally sold out to God and HIS will for your life (including being single or not) and you are not totally content in who you are in HIM, no relationship will ever work or completely satisfy you. Before you or I begin any relationship, we need to be sure we are not trying to find a relationship to fill some void that person was never meant to fill. Get right with God and all of the other things will fall into place. There are seasons where we are meant to be single, even when its the last thing we want. We have to know that God has us in that season for a reason and it will be something exceedingly beautiful in HIS time. (Ecc 3:1-8, 11). Sometimes, even when it is hard, we have be still and know that HE is God and wait for his perfect timing and let HIM fill a void only He can fill. (Psalm 46:10)

One thing that I realized after the fact (funny how hindsight is always 20/20) about my last relationship was that there was an issue of being vulnerable when it came to our hearts. I am one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don't think that is the case for most men. I do think there is a difference between recklessly throwing your heart around and carefully putting it out there. In the book Undressed, the author says we have "no resource more precious than our hearts, which is the Holy of Holies, the place where God himself resides." But, as the author goes on to say, love is all about being vulnerable. (from a quote by C.S. Lewis) Unfortunately, being vulnerable and potentially getting a broken heart (even though it will just be temporary) is incredibly important part of any relationship. I love how the author says "If you date, you may get your heart broken. But if you don't, you may find yourself in a far more tragic position- you heart may become unbreakable." (Illian, 29) You have to guard your heart and protect it from unnecessary vulnerability, while carefully putting it out there after a true relationship has been formed. He says "We must learn to be thoughtfully vulnerable, not recklessly available in our dating relationships" (Illian 29)

Another hindsight 20/20 thing I discovered was how I was looking for certain characteristics in a partner... but now I see how they were not really biblically based and not really the Godly characteristics I want. I was looking for a good guy who was a Christian but the specific character traits I was looking for were not really important. I love how the Bible tells us quickly in Galatians the kind of characteristics that any potential guy (or girl) we date should exemplify. Straight forward- The Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.) Its important that anyone you date, and especially someone you would consider marrying, have these characteristics. And... not just one of them, but all of them. I love how in a humorous way Jason Illian discusses this- he says "If the person you are dating doesn't exhibit ALL of them, not just one or two-- I mean, who wants a man who is good but has no self control?! --eject immediately!" (Illian, 36) He is so right! But what is more interesting to me is how this amazing author goes on to discuss how the word character goes back to the Greek word meaning"to engrave or carve, as if in stone." Amazing... these character traits should be etched on our hearts.(Illian, 36) I know there are all times were we are not feeling so kind, and we are not feeling so patient... We all are imperfect. BUT these traits should be something we see on a very regular basis in the person we are dating. (and don't forget that not only you are looking for those characteristics, but so are they-- so we each have to exemplify and show these characteristics in our own lives).

More to come later or tomorrow!!

Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 1)

Have you ever had something happen to you or been in a situation where all you can think is "this just cant be right- This just cant be the way its meant to be?" I had one of those experiences back in November/December when it came to the relationship and the guy I was dating. I did not know exactly how to sum up my thoughts but I found a quote recently that pretty much summed up my thoughts and feelings exactly. The author wrote "I think it is fair to say we've been "dissed" when it comes to finding love. There has been disappointment and disillusionment. We feel distance and disbelief. We are discouraged and dissatisfied. Our hearts have been utterly dismantled. We have been fooled into playing a game of musical chairs where the music is Jaws and the chairs are already full." (Illian, 4) For me, It did not take much to decide Hollywood romances don't exist off the big screen and the methods that Hollywood seems to teach our society about how to go about love and dating are useless and backwards. It literally took me one break-up (which I was devastated by at the time but now see SOOO clearly that God has something FAR greater planned) to decide that the "norm" sucks and there must be something better. I knew that God... creator of every living thing on this planet- creative enough to design thousands of species of trees through the amazon forest, to populate the oceans with more critters and fish than any human could comprehend, who placed every single star in the sky by hand, who created every last thing, person, animal and plant in this world and still knows me by name MUST have something unimaginable planned when it comes to dating and relationships. As Illian said in his book "If the Creator of the universe is concerned with every hair on your head- I would argue that He is more than concerned with your personal and romantic relationships." (Illian, 6) I knew that the God who IS love (1 John 4:8) and is the One who created this thing called dating and relationships had to have something to say about the topic. For many, even those of us who have grown up in church, we never really have been taught or educated on the subject. All we know is what we see in movies (and lets face it... Hollywood is not real). To know HIS plan for dating, I just had to take the time to find out what HE has to say. I decided I needed to educate myself and really dig into and figure out exactly what God's plan is. So... after reading several books, talking with friends (both those who have and have not followed God's will in dating and relationships), reading and watching a series blog posts and videos that Priscilla Shirer posted on her blog at Going Beyond Ministries (which not only gave me perspective of what Godly people are thinking, but also the perspective of a large group of women who live both here in the US and around the world) as well as going back and re-watching the series of sermons that my church did as part of a series called "Dont Get Married Until...", I feel like I am fairly educated in what God says about dating and relationships through HIS word. (Though I definitely do not have much "on the job" practice- I am just educated on what HE says through his word.) In addition, yesterday's sermon at church shed a few more details on the topic from the perspective of what Godly men look like (thus what women should look for in men)

So... this series of blog post comes after weeks (and at this point several months) of thought, prayer, reading, and studying. Also- let me preface this by saying I am not talking down about or to ANYONE and none of this is meant to shed a negative light on the guy I was dating. While it is very clear to me (and probably to him too) that our relationship was not meant to be, I certainly learned a lot from it and do not regret the experience. He is not a bad person and I do truly hope he finds happiness and relationship that works for him.

Okay... on with the show (or more appropriately, on with the ramble!!)

As I read one of the books I found on the topic of Godly dating relationships, the author struck a cord with me when he said "We often forget that Christianity isn't just a religion. It isn't just a set of rules or list of dos and don'ts. It is a deep, intimate, personal relationship with our Lord and Savior. Who better to ask about relationships than the One who not only created them but also cultivates and nurtures them to this day?" (Illian, 6) "The God who is love and who created the heavens and the earth has a far greater imagination for what love can be than we do. And it certainly does not involve one-night stands, unreturned phone calls, broken promises, and shattered hearts." (Illian 13) HIS plan and HIS want is for us to "experience a completely fulfilling, blushingly unpredictable, emotionally empowering, and recklessly romantic love that is guided not by laws, but the Lord." (Illian. 13) So in that light, I continued to educate myself over the last few weeks and in that light, I write this series of blog posts.

So let me really start this ramble by saying you can have God and be in a GREAT relationship with Him and still have a great dating/relationship life. In the book Undressed- The Naked Truth about Love, Sex and Dating, the author, Jason Illian, points out a great point early on in the book. He says "Our God isn't an either/or God. He is a God of both/and. He desires for you to have an intimate relationship with Him and a romantic relationship with another. Your heart was not designed to love God one way and your partner another. They are not mutually exclusive, but instead divinely complementary." (Illian, 3) Another author pointed out that we are made to love and be loved- thats just how GOD made each and every one of us.(Ingram, X) With that being said, move forward through this series of blog posts with the idea that love and relationships are meant to be a part of our life when done the way God pans in the same kind of love we have with our Creator.

... more to come later this evening... or tomorrow! (This series of posts were originally one VERY long post. But.. it got TOO long. So now it is a series of blog posts!

Zac Smith

For those who also know me on facebook, you have seen me mention Zac Smith on several occasions. I first heard of this man last fall on twitter when different pastors and church staff members at NewSpring Church (the church I go to when I am at school) tweeted about him. I have followed his story for months, praying for him and finding his story was greatly impacting my life, my personal relationship with Christ, my daily walk with the Lord, as well as my relationships here on this earth. His story became something I saw first hand about 12 weeks ago. They played this video in church.

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

It rocked my world. First, because of his young age (32 at the time of diagnosis), and also because as a child of a parents with cancer, I have seen its struggles but also seen how it can radically change the person I am in my faith. In the video, Zac talks about how God's plan for him, despite cancer, was going to be something special. In the video, again shown in February 2010 at church, he says "the bible says in Matt 7:11 'God gives good things to those who ask' God cannot give me a bad gift." He even goes so far as to say cancer is the best thing that happened to him because it positively changed the way he lives his life. He says in the video his hope was that God would heal him. Finally he says "if God chooses to heal me, God is God and God is Good. If God chooses not to heal me, then God is still God and God is still good. To God be the glory."

On Sunday, May 16th, Zac Smith met Jesus face to face. He was healed-- relieved of all the pain and suffering. It breaks my heart for his wife Mandy and their three children. But I am certain he is rejoicing for being with his savior.

Today they posted his memorial service. For whatever reason, it wont let me embed the video, but you can go here and watch it. http://www.newspring.cc/zacsmith

I hope and pray that I can live a life of faith as he did. I pray that at the end, I will have fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith.

Recent quotes, verses, and comments that have struck a cord with me

Most of y'all know I am blog surfing, a Bible reading, friend adoring, advice seeking, truth yearning, fun loving kind of girl. Over the past few weeks (and in some cases months) I have read and heard some incredible things from friends, family, God, writers, bloggers, and total strangers... these are just a few that have truly struck a cord with me, especially in this incredible season of life! They are in no particular order and are not really related in any way. They are just different things I wanted to share! :-)

"If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we’ll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner." - Beth Moore

"Wait for the man who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of man who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better woman. Wait for the man who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you. Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile. Wait for the man who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and no makeup, but loves it when you get all dolled up for him. Wait for the man who praises God for you, and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, wait for the man who is more in love with God than you."

"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

"Nothing demands more elbow grease than thrusting your arms forward and giving God the solitary right to vengeance." - beth moore

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

"Life is not waiting for the storm to pass, life is learning to dance in the rain"- Jim Barker, 2010 commencement address at Clemson University

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" Luke 6:38

"If you are in Christ then you are the King’s daughter…and you do not need to settle for the boy who can’t accept responsibility…you need to wait for the man who is WILLING to fight for your heart." -Perry Noble

Disturb Us

I was going through old blog posts this evening thinking about the past few years since I created my blog. Life, despite its stormy seasons, has been such a blessing. I don't deserve anything as wonderful and God is SO good!

I found a post a while back (early last fall) where I quoted part prayer of Sir Francis Drake.

It seems to be fitting to me and where my life is at the moment to re-post it, but this time I am going to post the whole shebang.

So...

Disturb us, Lord, when

We are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake

Pits, Joseph and Job.

I have learned that Christian life isn't one of sinning less (as we all fall short of His glory) and it's especially not one spent trading visible sins for those easier to hide. It's a life spent everyday exposing more fully the depth of our sin so that we may know the depth of the Christ's love. (adapted from something my friend Jonathan said to me once) I think about the fact that in 2 Corinthians 12:9, it is made very clear that His power is made perfect in my weakness... ("But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.") Let me reiterate-- HIS power MY weakness. I fall short of his glory... every single day of my life. I am nothing without Him. and when I turn from Him or make Him something other than my top priority, things fall apart. I am nothing more than a "pauper to God's scandalous grace."

Early last fall it is safe to say that I started to find myself in a pit. At first it was a pit of my own making from not seeking Him and then was dug deeper by my own sins and bad choices and made worse by another person. Someone vs. a something can make a pit a very complicated, emotional, and spiritual battle. Biblically, a pit can be seen in several different lights as the result of several different things (Genesis and the pit Joseph was thrown into by his brothers, the pit in Job where Job struggled with blame, in Psalms where we are pulled out of a pit by God to stand on firm ground.) The pit I was in at that point was not something I realized I had even started to fall into. All summer I had for the first time in a very long time finally felt real, amazing spiritual growth and was loving every second of life. But then... fall came around, my studio work was beyond stressful, my quiet times became non-existent, my spiritual growth had plateaued and by October I had let a new relationship take priority over my own personal walk and relationship with God. That was not any fault of anyone but my own. Past experience told me even then that when times are stressful and free time short, that is the time that I most need to spend with the Lord. I didn't. At that point I did not realize that I was beginning my quick decent into a pit, but I was. Until recently it is fair to say that I did not realize the full scope of the pit I was existing in or how the pit changed from October to now. I am a good actress... I can act completely happy while inside I am not. I can say the right things, do the right things, and have everyone (including myself at times) fooled. By January and even more so the past few weeks the pit really started to be complicated by new pit-causing problems and my sinking in the pit was more rapid. It had taken a huge emotional and spiritual toll. While the grudges and anger I carried felt like I was getting back at and even with the things and people who hurt me, the reality was that me "jabbing [my] fingers into the guilty one's chest" was really only "jabbing more holes in [my] pit walls and throwing that much more dirt on [my] feet." Satan is cleaver in how he works. "He is a master of using our own insecurity against us. He knows that deep in our hearts we're so fragile and injured by life..." Isaiah 42:22 says that pits are places where we feel stuck and trapped. Psalm 40 tells us pits are not nice places to be and describes them specifically as slimy, muddy, and miry. Its a place where, unless specific action is taken, we sink deeper and deeper (Psalm 69:2) A pit is often a situation where "without windows we're convinced we have nowhere else to go..." and is "so poorly lit we can no longer see things that may have been obvious to us." We can try to make them more manageable and better looking... but in the end, its still a pit and "as soon as the rain comes, it all gets soiled" as every pit has a dirt floor. We need to look up... that's our only hope but "we're often too focused on our sinking feet to crane our necks to the blinding sky." I have finally stopped focusing on my sinking feet. Finally seen what my friends and family saw in December. Finally let go of hope in people and put all my hope in the Lord. I finally have given total and true forgiveness to those who have hurt me. I felt like forgiving was weakness. Beth Moore said something that totally shook me and was my break through too. She said:

"My breakthrough came when I realized that nothing took more divine power than forgiveness, and therefore nothing was more powerful than forgiving. You will never use your own volition-- the force of your will-- more dramatically than when you agree with God to start forgiving. Forgiveness is not about feeling. It's about willing. No stronger force exists. Forgiveness was the force that kept Christ, by His own submission, nailed to that cross. He could have taken Himself down in a split second. He could have called upon every arch-angle in the heavens, armed and ready. Had He said the word, the seas would have swallowed the earth in one gulp. Forgiveness is not passivity... it is power... Nothing demands more elbow grease than thrusting your arms forward and giving God the solitary right to vengeance."

She is right. It is power. It is the first powerful step to get out of the pit. Its the first powerful step to move forward. It is a critical step that is one of the hardest things to do because you have to forgive someone (in my case someone I deeply cared about) for something they may or may not even know hurt (and may or may not care one way or the other that what they did hurt). I have to think about the story of Joseph in Genesis 37:23-25. Joseph is thrown into a pit by his brothers-- his own flesh and blood, and they could have cared less that they did it and even sat there listening to him while they ate a meal. It says "When Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped off his robe, the robe of many colors that he had on. They then took him and threw him into the pit. The pit was empty; there was no water in it. Then they sat down to eat a meal..." Through the course of scripture we find out that not only did Joseph not to toss blame or get angry (against his own brothers who wrongly tossed him into a pit). Instead he opted to "view God as entirely sovereign and ... was the life of him." (not the death of him) Joseph knew, just as I have come to realize, that while it was intended to harm, "God intended it for good..." (Genesis 50:20) and He knew each little detail and exactly how it would all unfold.

The more I think through scripture, I think about Job-- someone who endured such loss and suffering. He could have easily blamed the circumstance on himself or even on God. Its only human nature to start to blame yourself. I surely have done that. Recently-- Today. I was reminded just this evening that I am only responsible for one person- myself. and while I'm not be solely to blame for the pit I find myself getting out of, I have to focus on the fact that I cant blame myself. I cant have that sickening urge of self-blame where Satan starts to play "mind games with [my] conscience so that for the life of [me], [I] can't seem to distinguish between those areas where [I am] guilty and those where [I am] innocent." This is not to say that I have never done anything wrong because I surely have. The question I have forced myself to find the answer to is not "have you done anything wrong?" but "have you done the wrong that fits the pit?" I think it is fair to say, I am still trying to answer that-- I know the answer in my head, but my heart still wants to blame myself in so many of the emotions and feelings. A friend of mine told me just tonight that I have to take ownership of my feelings and emotions because "they are what they are, but the one thing they are not is irrelevant. We experience them for a reason. They communicate something to us either about ourself or others." I am in the process of sorting through my totally relevant feelings to answer the question that will get me even closer to being out of the pit.

Finally, the other realization I have come to this evening is I often care more about what people in this world think than what God thinks. I would rather lose myself to make someone else happy. I would rather be miserable so one person will acknowledge my existence or be my friend. Despite what Galatians 1:10 says, I still often seek the approval of people walking around in this world than the ONE who matters. As a child of the Sovereign King of the universe, I am his daughter--I have come to realize I deserve to be treated as such both by others and, maybe most importantly, by myself. I cant make excuses for other people's actions. I cant hold on to hope of who I wanted someone to be. And I cant be my own worst enemy. A friend of mine and I had a soul searching, deeply personal conversation this evening about life. As always, he was straightforward, totally real, and reminded me of exactly what I needed to hear. He reminded me I am still here, still breathing. God created me in HIS image and since I am still alive, God still has something wonderful planned. I was reminded that God forgave me the first time I confessed my sins and wrong doings... but because of my own emotional baggage, I still carry the guilt of sins that God has long since forgotten. When he left my house, I was listening to music and Jonny Diaz's More Beautiful You came on. The chorus goes "There could never be a more beautiful you. Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do so there could never be a more beautiful you"

I am getting out of the pit... I am close. So Close! I am not going to buy the lies that the world has lead me to believe, I am not going to be tricked by the disguises that I am lead to think are true, and I am not going to jump through the worldly hoops that come from people, relationships and situations. Instead.... My focus is going to be on God and fulfilling the purpose HE has planned for me.