Alright... here is the last installment of the Hollywood Romances series of posts! This one might just get me in trouble, but I don't really care!
From my perspective as a woman, men are passive (and apparently a LOT of other women think that too based on the comments over at Going Beyond Ministries blog)(<--- that link goes to the last in the series of discussions of singledom, but that post also has the links to all the other conversations. Men- go look at the comments and you will get some great insight into what single Godly women are thinking....). Seriously, I do NOT say that to be mean! It is just a common feeling amongst many women. I feel like "men have not accepted and shouldered their responsibilities as servant-leaders and tender warriors". As a Godly woman looking for a Godly man, I feel like they must exist... and I know they must be out there. BUT goodness, they are hard to find!!!! In Undressed, the author expresses this issue so well. He says:
"Our domesticated Christian culture has misconstrued the image of a
godly man. Many church in America today preach a very feminine
gospel, characterized by messages of comfort, compassion, and stability.
Jesus certainly exemplified all these characteristics, but first and foremost,
He was a man's man. The earthly son of a carpenter and the heavenly Son
of God, He was a model of power and heroic sacrifice. He took risks. He
enacted change. He challenged authority. He was, without a doubt, a
genuine leader. Men wanted to be like Him, and women wanted to be
with Him." (Illian, 89)
Dont get me wrong. I have met some really nice guys along this road of dating/singledom/etc. BUT... I have yet to meet one I really felt like was a leader when it came to the relationship. I also know that dating and marriage are two very different beasts. BUT... "God specifically designed men to lead and serve their wives. By doing so, [they] use the gifts instilled in [men] and free [the] wives to do the same" (Illian, 91) I say that to say, if guys are not leading and serving their girlfriends in dating, there is NO way they are going to be able to do it in marriage. Dating is a training grounds for marriage (and NOT a training ground for divorce as some think). I love how Illian references back to the creation of man and woman biblically. Think about it... women were the only thing not made from dirt. Women were fashioned by God out of man's rib In the book, Illian uses a quote by Matthew Henry that shows the importance of this. Henry says "Woman was take out of man; not of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved." (Illian, 92) I think it is safe to say, that is what it boils down to- a Godly woman is looking for Godly man who will run after Jesus with her, hand in hand, being protected and lead by her husband (or boyfriend) and loved by him the way Christ loves the church. (Ephesians 5:25) I do know that men have insecurities that can make it difficult and a struggle to really pursue a Godly woman (and I have been told by true Godly men that Godly women are really intimidating)... but don't forget women have their own insecurities too.
Now that I have given a little heat to the men, I only think it is fair to give a little heat to the women. I think all Godly women know about the Proverbs 31 woman. She is the woman we all strive to be. Her character traits are "godly, loving, disciplined, faithful, wise... entrepreneur, importer, athlete, manager, realtor, farmer, homemaker, and exceptional wife" further showing that godly women MUST have "strong character, many skills, and great compassion." (Illian, 109) Its important to remember that a Godly woman's heart is worth the fight from a man's perspective so godly women cant be desperate. "You cant expect a knight to fight for your heart if you are willing to bail out of the tower without battle." (for whatever reason... men want the fight to et your heart. And we just have to "have faith that at just the right time, when both you and he are ready, the Lord will bring a prince." (Illian, 111) Another thing I read, and I am SOOO guilty of this, is being the nice, polite, Christian girl. But as the author who wrote the book (who at the time was a single, Christian guy) said "we don't want somebody who is just warm and nice and polite... we would rather date a woman who attacks life like a cage fight, a free spirit that follows the Lord with reckless abandon." (Illian, 119) If we think about the women of the Bible with the names we recognize... the ones we all have read of or at least heard about-- they were all "scandalous, passionate, faithful, vulnerable, and seductive." (Illian, 120) I mean think about these incredible women! (Mary, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, Esther, Ruth...! Incredible women who followed after the Lord.
Any post on relationships in terms of Godly relationships would not be complete without some discussion of what God says on physical intimacy (not just sex, but all types of physical intimacy) outside the bounds of marriage. Especially since HE was the one who created SEX in the first place! He is not ashamed or afraid to talk about it.... so. Here we go! Anyone one of us can have sex.... but just because we can do it, doesn't mean we should do it. Sex is not just something we do with our bodies to have fun. Sex is a type of intimacy that is deeply tied to our emotional and spiritual involvement with our partner. Sex is one of the deepest levels of intimacy out there and way too often (because of Hollywood's so-called plan) we put it out there when there really is no commitment. But if we are going to follow God's plan, sex is for marriage-- the deepest level of intimacy (sex) MUST go with the deepest level of commitment.(marriage) (Illian, 151) Don't get me wrong... there are a lot of ways to be close physically with someone outside of marriage and still be following God's plan. Illian uses the example of Paul writing to the church in Corinth in his book. He reminds us that in 1 Corinthians 6:12, Paul says "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial." In Godly dating relationships, we have to be able to "differentiate between what is 'permissible' and what is 'beneficial'" (Illian, 156) When we get to where we are doing things that are not permissible or beneficial, we have to remember "God will not bless your relationship. It's not that He doesn't want to. He just won't change his perfect plan for love and marriage to suit [our] lustful desires." (Illian 182) We have to consider what is beneficial and what is permissible and clearly remember that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19) Illians says it far better than I ever could. He says
"Your body is not a carnival ride. People can't just line up, take a ticket, and wait for
their turn on the tilt-a-whirl. Our bodies are vessels that carry our souls, and unless
somebody is willing to dive to the depths of your heart, they shouldn't even be
allowed to ride the teacups. Remember, God is in you. He has etched His dream
on your heart, and you deserve more than thirty minutes of pleasure
with an intimate stranger." (Illian, 161)
So.. what does all this tell us. Well. It tells us Hollywood's plan of "lets talk and hold hands and cuddle on the couch and have sex later then maybe down the road I will really get to know who you are on the inside" doesn't work when it comes to dating and relationships. It tells us that God wants far greater for us in every aspect of our lives, including our dating lives. Think about it... God created us and created this thing called love- he can do more with than we EVER thought possible. (Eph 3:20) This tells us love is NOT about you. "Love involves you, but it isn'tabout you."(Illian, 219) In any relationship, but especially dating relationships and marriage, "Love is defined by wanting God's best for someone else regardless of what that means to you." (Illian, 8) Illian reminds us in his book that "unconditional love is not measured in fairness, but in faithfulness." A dating relationship is about "undressing [our] hearts, not our bodies." (Illian, 222) This all tells us that sometimes God has us in a season of singleness for a reason but He knows the desires of each and every one of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) and in HIS perfect timing will bring something perfect to pass. This tells us that "relationships, like geology, are the study of pressure and time. And if you want your relationship to be as precious, rare, and brilliant as a diamond, you will have times when you think you can't go on, when you want to throw your hands up in despair, when you want to give in and give up. Don't. God's delays are not necessarily God's denials. Hold on, hold fast, hold out. Your pain will produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope never disappoints us. (Romans 5) Only through hope do we learn to pour love out over all aspects of our lives. And when you learn to love, you will be loved." (Illian 224)
The following are the books* I read.
* Both were great books, but personally I felt like the Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationship book was more geared towards marriage/married couples. I felt like Undressed was a better book for today's dating world. Thats just personal opinion... But if you are single and are going to read one of these books, I would highly suggest Jason Illian's book. In fact, I think ANY Christian Single should read it!
