on being High Maintenance and high performance

The past month or so I have been dating a guy who seemed like a keeper but it was not meant to be and we recently went our separate ways. However, I noticed a while back he had on his facebook that one of his favorite quotes was "I don't mind high maintenance as long as its high performance." Given he is a total car person, it seemed like a normal quote... but in light of recent events between us, I started to think about it in a very different context. I started to think about it from the stand point of dating and relationships, an analogy of sorts, and the roles two people play in that context.

I would argue that single women who truly strive to be Godly women are high-performance. If you think about the examples of high-performance vehicles, they are valuable, they are beautiful, functional, and impressive. They are perfectly engineered on the inside under the hood. If you think about the biblical characteristics of a Godly woman, I would say she meets those standards and then is eons past them- greater and more valuable than ANY high-performance vehicle. Just thinking about the fruits of the spirit, she should be loving, joyful, patient, peaceful, kind and full of faith and goodness. If you add on top of those characteristics the characteristics seen in Proverbs 31, you have an incredible woman of integrity, and the verse even goes on to say that she "lacks nothing of value." More than the fact that she lacks nothing of value, her heart was paid for at the highest price possible when the Son of God lived a sinless life and paid the ultimate price for her and every other person on this earth. Her heart belongs to God and from the inside, she is perfectly engineered because she was created by Him and has given her heart to Him.

And maybe Godly women are high-maintenance too. A Godly woman is not going to settle for less than God's immeasurably more (Eph 3:20) when it comes to a man. She is not going to adjust her integrity or her character for some guy just because he is not willing to step up. Maybe high-maintenance means that men have to try a little harder because the Hollywood standard of guys who refuse to be real men and refuse to pursue women the way they are called biblically do is not enough. Maybe it means that a man has to step up and trust God with the hard decisions.

BUT... in that same vein of thinking about high performance and high maintenance- you are not going to let just anyone touch or mess with your high-performance (usually VERY expensive and valuable) vehicle. In the same way, Godly women are not going to (or at least shouldn't) let less than the prepared, taught, and trained man touch them- be it mentally, physically, or emotionally. Too often guys today want to claim the rights of manhood without owning the rights of manhood. Too often guys want to tell women that they are ready and trained and prepared to be the Godly men they are called to be in relationships, but eventually time and experience would say and show other wise. Or, the other experience would be they know what they should do but they let society's ways and methods drag them away from what they know is right and away from the plans God has.

So. Guys.. if you want to have a true, Godly, "high-performance" woman (even if you think she might be high-maintenance) step up, be a man, and run after Jesus because if she is a true "high-performance" woman of God, that's where she is heading. Be real and be honest- but as Perry said so perfectly "... commit to her or quit. Don't play games to inflate your incredibly weak male ego with a woman's heart and soul and mind. She is a daughter of The King and deserves to be treated better. Why don't you step up and commit to her and then see what happens?" If that dating relationship works out, you have found an incredible woman of God. If not, you have learned and gained from the experience and respected the woman and respected God in the process.

And ladies- Wait for the man who realizes your true value and realizes the "high-performance" and worth that comes from dating a true woman of God. Wait for the one who is running after Jesus in the same way you are. Don't settle... even when the world is screaming that you should- DON'T do it because the King is enthralled with our beauty (Psalm 45:11) both inside and out- Let God bring you the perfect man He has created just for you and who realizes your true worth. Don't settle for the junk yard find when God has the BMW or Maserati or Mercedes or the Bentley, or whatever other really nice dream car for planned for you if you will just wait for HIS perfect timing. God makes all things beautiful in his time (Ecc 3:11) and He has "immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine" in store for us. (Eph. 3:20) It can be a struggle some days (LORD knows how much I struggle some days), but hold tight to the faith that God only wants good for us, He knows the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4), so delight yourself in and him and hold tight to the faith because HE WILL PROVIDE in ways we could never expect!

thinking...

Thinking and trying my hardest ...

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.”- James 3:17-18

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" Phil 4:4-7

Its a good thing all my hope and all my faith is in Jesus Christ and not someone walking around in this world.

I cant give details at the moment, but prayerfully considering a variety of things at the moment. Will you pray for me?

Inspiring words in 140 characters or less

I am a social networking person... I have Facebook, I have twitter, I have LinkedIn... You name it I have it. BUT... the one thing I enjoy the most of all of these is Twitter! I love the words of encouragement, inspiration, and faith that various people tweet. The following are some of my favorite tweets from the past few weeks

"We are not "Pro-Life" if we fail to support the foster care system. Caring for the born & neglected is much harder than opposing abortion." -@robbieseay

"Jesus offered thirsty people a drink; most people don't want a speech, they just want a straw" -@BobGoff

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." _ Galatians 5:6b" -@lolly1440

"Joy is a quiet gladness of heart as one contemplates the goodness of God's saving grace in Christ Jesus." John Calvin"- @mattchandler74

"When we live by the power of God rather than our flesh, we don't have to strive for power w/our words. 1 Cor 4:20" -@cory_marie

"still stewing over this @clayton_king quote: "it's not about trying harder, it's about surrendering more." -@mcdzl

"Show up before you speak up. People wanna see you live the gospel before they hear you preach the gospel. Matt 5:11-16" -@mandisaofficial

"Expect the unexpected...dare to venture into the unknown...learn to live magnificently in the tension between here and not there yet..." -@christinecaine

"There are ZERO limitations for the person who is motivated by the WORD of God and filled by the SPIRIT of GOD!!!" -@perrynoble

"You won't ever find a perfect church...perfect worship...a perfect christian..or perfect teaching...you will only ever find a PERFECT GOD" -@christinecaine

"you CANNOT abandon the pursuit of JOY and still accomplish the will of God. - John Piper' -@bcoop

"The "peace that transends understanding" (Phil.4:7) comes from trusting God fully in situations you don't understand." -@rickwarren

"JOY is the result of serving God's purposes, from his perspective, by his power, & for his glory." -@rickwarren

"God specializes in the element of surprise! u never know when or where He will invade the reality of your life with a holy surprise." -@markbatterson

"9 times out of 10, God doesn't want 2 change your circumtances. He wants 2 use your circumstances 2 change you!" -@markbatterson

"To grow a mature faith u must learn to trust that God is working in other's lives even when you disagree with them."-@rickwarren

"The only people who will not give people another chance are the one who fail to realize how many changes Jesus has given them!" -@perrynoble

Limiting God

So I was recently reminded of an important part of life and even more important part of faith in Jesus Christ. We, as Christians, cant limit the possibilities of God. As Christians we should have God-sized goals that are scary and overwhelming because our God is that big. As Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church (Charlotte, NC) said, "If the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance it's insulting to God."

This aspect of just how big God is plays into dating as well. As a single person I was reminded that I cant limit who God might be trying to bring into my life. Who am I to decide what is best for me when the creator of the universe, who knows every hair on my head and who created my inner most being, created someone far greater than I could every ask for or imagine (including the possibility (and probability) of not being who I would expect). If I cant imagine it or ask for it (Eph 3:20), then how am I to say someone is or is not right for me just based on one aspect or another without truly getting to know someone. I don't deserve anything. What I deserve died with Christ on the cross. But God knows who HE has created for me and what is best for me. I am not shutting any doors or closing any windows before God says to close them. I am not going to put God in a box because if it is a box I can imagine or comprehend, it is far to small for Him and his unfathomable creativity.

The following are a few verses that have really struck a cord with me lately...

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known....." Isaiah 42:16

"For I know the plans I have for you...." Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5

Oh Sweet Summer Time!

I love the summers... I love the LONG evenings, bright sunshine, family time, celebrations, cook outs, spending time on the lake (or any body of water for that matter) and some what relaxing and slower pace. This summer I have not been up to anything in particular... but I have LOVED every minute of it! Here are some pictures of the fun....

Tubing....

Having fun!.....
Spending time with friends and family on the boat...

Friends having fun tubing...

Intense sunsets... and boats waiting for 4th of July fireworks...

Perfect sunsets at the lake....

Cadie stealing the ball and never giving back....

More beautiful sunsets...

Spending time with family, including the greatest niece in the world...

Seeing TONS of rainbows.... like this one when I went to my parent's house at the very beginning of the summer....

Next up is vacation up at the mountain house! Excited about getting to MUCH cooler weather for a week, spending time with some friends while there, and seeing Baba and Jack who are flying out for a few weeks from Seattle.

I am so blessed....

Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 3)

Alright... here is the last installment of the Hollywood Romances series of posts! This one might just get me in trouble, but I don't really care!

From my perspective as a woman, men are passive (and apparently a LOT of other women think that too based on the comments over at Going Beyond Ministries blog)(<--- that link goes to the last in the series of discussions of singledom, but that post also has the links to all the other conversations. Men- go look at the comments and you will get some great insight into what single Godly women are thinking....). Seriously, I do NOT say that to be mean! It is just a common feeling amongst many women. I feel like "men have not accepted and shouldered their responsibilities as servant-leaders and tender warriors". As a Godly woman looking for a Godly man, I feel like they must exist... and I know they must be out there. BUT goodness, they are hard to find!!!! In Undressed, the author expresses this issue so well. He says:

"Our domesticated Christian culture has misconstrued the image of a

godly man. Many church in America today preach a very feminine

gospel, characterized by messages of comfort, compassion, and stability.

Jesus certainly exemplified all these characteristics, but first and foremost,

He was a man's man. The earthly son of a carpenter and the heavenly Son

of God, He was a model of power and heroic sacrifice. He took risks. He

enacted change. He challenged authority. He was, without a doubt, a

genuine leader. Men wanted to be like Him, and women wanted to be

with Him." (Illian, 89)

Dont get me wrong. I have met some really nice guys along this road of dating/singledom/etc. BUT... I have yet to meet one I really felt like was a leader when it came to the relationship. I also know that dating and marriage are two very different beasts. BUT... "God specifically designed men to lead and serve their wives. By doing so, [they] use the gifts instilled in [men] and free [the] wives to do the same" (Illian, 91) I say that to say, if guys are not leading and serving their girlfriends in dating, there is NO way they are going to be able to do it in marriage. Dating is a training grounds for marriage (and NOT a training ground for divorce as some think). I love how Illian references back to the creation of man and woman biblically. Think about it... women were the only thing not made from dirt. Women were fashioned by God out of man's rib In the book, Illian uses a quote by Matthew Henry that shows the importance of this. Henry says "Woman was take out of man; not of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot; but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved." (Illian, 92) I think it is safe to say, that is what it boils down to- a Godly woman is looking for Godly man who will run after Jesus with her, hand in hand, being protected and lead by her husband (or boyfriend) and loved by him the way Christ loves the church. (Ephesians 5:25) I do know that men have insecurities that can make it difficult and a struggle to really pursue a Godly woman (and I have been told by true Godly men that Godly women are really intimidating)... but don't forget women have their own insecurities too.

Now that I have given a little heat to the men, I only think it is fair to give a little heat to the women. I think all Godly women know about the Proverbs 31 woman. She is the woman we all strive to be. Her character traits are "godly, loving, disciplined, faithful, wise... entrepreneur, importer, athlete, manager, realtor, farmer, homemaker, and exceptional wife" further showing that godly women MUST have "strong character, many skills, and great compassion." (Illian, 109) Its important to remember that a Godly woman's heart is worth the fight from a man's perspective so godly women cant be desperate. "You cant expect a knight to fight for your heart if you are willing to bail out of the tower without battle." (for whatever reason... men want the fight to et your heart. And we just have to "have faith that at just the right time, when both you and he are ready, the Lord will bring a prince." (Illian, 111) Another thing I read, and I am SOOO guilty of this, is being the nice, polite, Christian girl. But as the author who wrote the book (who at the time was a single, Christian guy) said "we don't want somebody who is just warm and nice and polite... we would rather date a woman who attacks life like a cage fight, a free spirit that follows the Lord with reckless abandon." (Illian, 119) If we think about the women of the Bible with the names we recognize... the ones we all have read of or at least heard about-- they were all "scandalous, passionate, faithful, vulnerable, and seductive." (Illian, 120) I mean think about these incredible women! (Mary, Rahab, Mary Magdalene, Esther, Ruth...! Incredible women who followed after the Lord.

Any post on relationships in terms of Godly relationships would not be complete without some discussion of what God says on physical intimacy (not just sex, but all types of physical intimacy) outside the bounds of marriage. Especially since HE was the one who created SEX in the first place! He is not ashamed or afraid to talk about it.... so. Here we go! Anyone one of us can have sex.... but just because we can do it, doesn't mean we should do it. Sex is not just something we do with our bodies to have fun. Sex is a type of intimacy that is deeply tied to our emotional and spiritual involvement with our partner. Sex is one of the deepest levels of intimacy out there and way too often (because of Hollywood's so-called plan) we put it out there when there really is no commitment. But if we are going to follow God's plan, sex is for marriage-- the deepest level of intimacy (sex) MUST go with the deepest level of commitment.(marriage) (Illian, 151) Don't get me wrong... there are a lot of ways to be close physically with someone outside of marriage and still be following God's plan. Illian uses the example of Paul writing to the church in Corinth in his book. He reminds us that in 1 Corinthians 6:12, Paul says "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial." In Godly dating relationships, we have to be able to "differentiate between what is 'permissible' and what is 'beneficial'" (Illian, 156) When we get to where we are doing things that are not permissible or beneficial, we have to remember "God will not bless your relationship. It's not that He doesn't want to. He just won't change his perfect plan for love and marriage to suit [our] lustful desires." (Illian 182) We have to consider what is beneficial and what is permissible and clearly remember that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19) Illians says it far better than I ever could. He says

"Your body is not a carnival ride. People can't just line up, take a ticket, and wait for

their turn on the tilt-a-whirl. Our bodies are vessels that carry our souls, and unless

somebody is willing to dive to the depths of your heart, they shouldn't even be

allowed to ride the teacups. Remember, God is in you. He has etched His dream

on your heart, and you deserve more than thirty minutes of pleasure

with an intimate stranger." (Illian, 161)

So.. what does all this tell us. Well. It tells us Hollywood's plan of "lets talk and hold hands and cuddle on the couch and have sex later then maybe down the road I will really get to know who you are on the inside" doesn't work when it comes to dating and relationships. It tells us that God wants far greater for us in every aspect of our lives, including our dating lives. Think about it... God created us and created this thing called love- he can do more with than we EVER thought possible. (Eph 3:20) This tells us love is NOT about you. "Love involves you, but it isn'tabout you."(Illian, 219) In any relationship, but especially dating relationships and marriage, "Love is defined by wanting God's best for someone else regardless of what that means to you." (Illian, 8) Illian reminds us in his book that "unconditional love is not measured in fairness, but in faithfulness." A dating relationship is about "undressing [our] hearts, not our bodies." (Illian, 222) This all tells us that sometimes God has us in a season of singleness for a reason but He knows the desires of each and every one of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) and in HIS perfect timing will bring something perfect to pass. This tells us that "relationships, like geology, are the study of pressure and time. And if you want your relationship to be as precious, rare, and brilliant as a diamond, you will have times when you think you can't go on, when you want to throw your hands up in despair, when you want to give in and give up. Don't. God's delays are not necessarily God's denials. Hold on, hold fast, hold out. Your pain will produce perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope never disappoints us. (Romans 5) Only through hope do we learn to pour love out over all aspects of our lives. And when you learn to love, you will be loved." (Illian 224)

The following are the books* I read.

Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian (Warner Faith Publishers, 2006)

Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships: God's Prescription for Enhancing your love life by Chip Ingram (Baker Books, 2003)

* Both were great books, but personally I felt like the Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationship book was more geared towards marriage/married couples. I felt like Undressed was a better book for today's dating world. Thats just personal opinion... But if you are single and are going to read one of these books, I would highly suggest Jason Illian's book. In fact, I think ANY Christian Single should read it!

Hollywood Romances... or a lack there of. (PART 2)

This is a continuation of the Hollywood Romances post.... if you have not read the first post, go back and read this! That will make this more clear!

So continuing from the previous post....

One of the first things I found to be totally backwards in the majority of today's dating relationships is our first and extreme focus on the physical (and I am not just talking sex). We focus first on the physical so much so, we give ourselves physically to others before there is any commitment and any knowledge of each other emotionally, psychologically, and most importantly, spiritually. In one book, the author calls this type of "lets has a physical relationship before I really know you on the inside" (one where we have more intimate moments in a relationship where both parties are not committed to one side) as being emotionally promiscuous.(Illian, 59) We start with the physical and move towards the deeper knowledge of each other after the fact. It seems we care more about what people look like on the outside than who they are on the inside. And more important than who they are on the side, we seem to have all forgotten to get to know who they are spiritually and their personal relationship with Christ. My personal faith in Jesus Christ is the core of who I am. It is the single most important aspect of my life. However, in my last relationship, I never got to know the guy I was dating spiritually... ever. And he never got to know me spiritually. I let him saying on one of our first dates (in the Rockaways parking lot none the less for those of you in Columbia) something along the lines of "yeah, I raised Baptists and I was baptized in elementary school." I let that one statement be all it took for me to say in my head "yeah he is a Christian so I can date him." Rarely did I see the outward expression of that faith. For the most part, I did not see that faith in the way he talked to me or treated me, and we never once prayed together (not even blessing a meal). Instead, I took the road by saying to myself "he says he is a Christian so that's enough for me." I found out the hard way... that's not remotely enough. No offense (and this is not aimed at one person in particular but just a general comment from something I read recently), but saying you are a Christian makes you a Christian about as much as standing in a garage makes you a car. There is a huge difference between just accepting Christ so He will save you from hell and someone who accepts Christ and is radically changed because of his or her personal and intimate relationship with our Creator. That radical change is seen in actions, thoughts, the things we say, and the way we treat people. That is the critical difference between what I had and what I want. In addition to just the basic (yet incredibly important) aspect of having a spiritual relationship with someone you are dating, a further issue can arise and be seen down the road in later stages of the relationship. Men are called biblically to be the spiritual leaders of their homes and family. If he is not being the spiritual leader in dating, he is not capable of doing it in marriage. As my pastor at church said "Single ladies... if the dude isn't running after Jesus now then he's NOT going to be able to lead your family! (AND... if you are making excuses for him you probably know what you need to do." (He said something similar to this in his actualsermon on Sunday, but he also mentioned it on his blog here.) I can say without a doubt, I knew what I needed to do and felt convicted and God telling me to break off the relationship long before I ever did. Its not easy, but we often have to do things that are not easy in particular when it comes to dating and relationships. (and let me add... if you know you need to end a relationship with someone, do it as soon as possible. Waiting only makes it harder- and I can say that from personal experience!)

Another aspect of relationships that was pointed out in both books I read and that I found was true in my own personal experience was that I was trying to fill a void in my heart that the guy I was dating was never, ever meant to fill. There are certain voids that only God can fill. Blaise Pascal, a French mathematician, physicist, writer, and Catholic philosopher, said it best when he said "There is a God-shaped void in the heart of man which can not be filled by anything except God." Its true. If you are not totally sold out to God and HIS will for your life (including being single or not) and you are not totally content in who you are in HIM, no relationship will ever work or completely satisfy you. Before you or I begin any relationship, we need to be sure we are not trying to find a relationship to fill some void that person was never meant to fill. Get right with God and all of the other things will fall into place. There are seasons where we are meant to be single, even when its the last thing we want. We have to know that God has us in that season for a reason and it will be something exceedingly beautiful in HIS time. (Ecc 3:1-8, 11). Sometimes, even when it is hard, we have be still and know that HE is God and wait for his perfect timing and let HIM fill a void only He can fill. (Psalm 46:10)

One thing that I realized after the fact (funny how hindsight is always 20/20) about my last relationship was that there was an issue of being vulnerable when it came to our hearts. I am one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I don't think that is the case for most men. I do think there is a difference between recklessly throwing your heart around and carefully putting it out there. In the book Undressed, the author says we have "no resource more precious than our hearts, which is the Holy of Holies, the place where God himself resides." But, as the author goes on to say, love is all about being vulnerable. (from a quote by C.S. Lewis) Unfortunately, being vulnerable and potentially getting a broken heart (even though it will just be temporary) is incredibly important part of any relationship. I love how the author says "If you date, you may get your heart broken. But if you don't, you may find yourself in a far more tragic position- you heart may become unbreakable." (Illian, 29) You have to guard your heart and protect it from unnecessary vulnerability, while carefully putting it out there after a true relationship has been formed. He says "We must learn to be thoughtfully vulnerable, not recklessly available in our dating relationships" (Illian 29)

Another hindsight 20/20 thing I discovered was how I was looking for certain characteristics in a partner... but now I see how they were not really biblically based and not really the Godly characteristics I want. I was looking for a good guy who was a Christian but the specific character traits I was looking for were not really important. I love how the Bible tells us quickly in Galatians the kind of characteristics that any potential guy (or girl) we date should exemplify. Straight forward- The Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.) Its important that anyone you date, and especially someone you would consider marrying, have these characteristics. And... not just one of them, but all of them. I love how in a humorous way Jason Illian discusses this- he says "If the person you are dating doesn't exhibit ALL of them, not just one or two-- I mean, who wants a man who is good but has no self control?! --eject immediately!" (Illian, 36) He is so right! But what is more interesting to me is how this amazing author goes on to discuss how the word character goes back to the Greek word meaning"to engrave or carve, as if in stone." Amazing... these character traits should be etched on our hearts.(Illian, 36) I know there are all times were we are not feeling so kind, and we are not feeling so patient... We all are imperfect. BUT these traits should be something we see on a very regular basis in the person we are dating. (and don't forget that not only you are looking for those characteristics, but so are they-- so we each have to exemplify and show these characteristics in our own lives).

More to come later or tomorrow!!